better life decisions (from the inside-out)

“Our decision-making is too often Outside-In.”

When I was growing up, one of the things I learned to do exceptionally well was look to others for clues as to what was okay for me to say, do, or even feel. I learned to be a chameleon in order to feel safe and protected by hiding within any environment. This definitely had some advantages.

I was able to assimilate quickly into a new group or crowd. As a teenage exchange student in Brazil, within three months I was being mistaken for a native. I was able to sense others’ moods and feelings. It gave me a helpful sensitivity to tension and danger.

On the negative side, whenever I “adapted” to others, my own needs and desires were often ignored. I walked around feeling like a fake, a fraud, and had a corresponding fear that I’d be discovered. So, I would ask for opinions instead of trusting my own wisdom. I looked for guru after guru to teach me the way. I sought answers to my own personal dilemmas in books, courses, workshops, lectures – anywhere but the place I could really find those answers. And I watched other people do the same.

To some degree this is a universal dilemma – being personally authentic versus adapting to how we believe others want us to be. Living what we know versus living what someone else tells us is true. Trusting what we know versus trusting only what others tell us.

A simple diagram can illustrate this idea. It’s a version of what I believe is true about all of us.

At our core, our essence, we are innocent and good. Similar to the innocence of an infant, there’s an innocence that remains deeply hidden and protected within each of us. Surrounding that innocence and perfection are all the messages we’ve been told about ourselves. Some messages were verbal put downs and criticisms, while others were simple actions or moods through which we got the clear message that there was something bad, something wrong about us.

In order to “defend” ourselves from that message, we try very hard to prove our goodness. We try hard to have others like us, appreciate us, and be our friends. We spend huge amounts of energy and time “fitting in,” “doing the right thing,” being polite, correct, proper, and so on.

The only thing we don’t get to do… is simply be ourselves!

“Better to be disliked for who you are,

than loved for who you are not.”

–Anon

One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is to let them know that we see and accept them just as they are (instead of having our own agenda about who they should be or who we want them to be). Finding someone - a coach, counselor, parent, or friend - who can cheer you on and help you identify, own and value the truth of who you are can be a transformative experience.

I believe that we each need to find ways to cut through the layers of invalidation and criticism we’ve internalized over time so that we can reconnect with our own essence – that unspoiled, innate goodness. And from that inner authentic place, we can make some awesomely good decisions!

-- Ken Kesslin